Saying Goodbye

Today I had to do something that I never thought I would have to do, and really, haven't had to do in a long time, which was tell a community I was living in that I was leaving them, earlier than I had said. I'm not quitting, really, even though part of me may feel that way. Let me explain, signing up for Peace Corps means signing up for 27 months of service, which breaks down to 3 months of training and 24 months living and working in (for me) a small rural town in northeastern Thailand. When I first came to site, nearly two years ago, there was something in the town that made me fall in love with it. Becoming part of the town's daily and annual community life has been something unlike anything I have experienced before. Knowing that Peace Corps offers an optional one year extension, and wanting to take advantage of it, I have been telling my community for at least the last year, that I would be here for 2 more years (for a total of 3). I was all signed up and set to stay another year when my grandmother died and I returned to the states for her funeral. Nine-thousand miles is the further I've traveled for a funeral, and so far, my grandmother's death has created the biggest void in my life. Not to say that she had been part of my daily life for the last two years, and honestly, I've only spoken to her maybe twice these last two years; but here, in my town, it is the grandmothers (yais) that are my favorite people in town. They are always the ones that light up the most when I come around and in addition to always making sure I'm fed and loved on, they show a genuine care and concern for the community as a whole. And they are also the ones that walk in the sun and in the early morning to and from the watt (temple) everyday. Everyone in town may feed the monks on their morning alms route, it is the yais that go and chant with them during morning services and other auspicious occasions. Even if it weren't for all the other clues, I could tell when there's a special day on the buddhist calendar or a special event in the community by the activity, and garb of the the yais. All this, despite the fact that in Therevade Buddhism, women can't become monks, and are seen to some a kind of negative karma (or merit- boon in Thai). Since this deficiency can not be over come by becoming a monk, many sons in Thailand become monks in order to pass that boon on to their mothers. Daughters (who also own boon to their mothers) can't make up this karmic debit by becoming monks, so often the financial responsibility of the family falls to the daughter. But that's really a topic for another time, because I was writing about my grandmother and having to tell my community good-bye.

Spending so much time with the yais in town made me miss spending time with my grandmother back home. I was looking forward to spending time with her when I got done with Peace Corps and had begun to wonder if I should had planned to go to America this last winter for Christmas. On about the 15^th of December, she was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. By the twentieth, she passed on to the next stage of her life. On the solstice, I flew home for her funeral. I left Thailand that morning, and got to America that same day, even though over 30 hours had passed for my biological life. The next day was her funeral, which was followed by Christmas Eve and Christmas. Ten days later, I met someone that managed to change my life in four short days. When I flew back to Krung Tep six days later, I felt that same sensation of coming home, coming back to somewhere I love, but it also felt like I was saying good-bye. After a couple weeks back in the Kingdom, I realized that while my town here in Thailand and the Kingdom as a whole will always have a special place in my heart, my heart was back in the states. Thus, nearing the end of my initially committed to 27 months, and not wanting to put off spending time with someone I love, I decided to finish my service March rather than spending another year here, in Thailand. Since making that decision, I have had to tell Peace Corps :( my family :) and worst of all....my community. I made the decision, and told my country director about two weeks ago. Since that time, I've only really been in my community about a week, give or take a couple days and have been dreading the moment that I'd have to come clean. Today, that moment came. I was working on some paper work for Peace Corps in the office, waiting for my two office friends to get ready to go eat when my closest office friend P' Yuu was standing in front of my desk and asked what I was working on. I told her I wasn't going to be staying another year. That in fact, I would be leaving in two months. She immediately sat down next to me and held my arm and started asking why, wouldn't I miss her, what was I going to do, where was I going to live. She told me she was sad and would cry when I left. Luckily for me, the way Thailand works, she was the only one I had to tell. She then had me confirm it for P'Rat (the other woman we were waiting for) and several of our other coworkers. I haven't told my host family yet, and some of my yais are so detached from the passage of time, they're not really sure how long I've been here or how long I said I would be here. Even though it was one of the sucker things I've had to do recently (and will continue to be for the next two months), I've always known I would have to say good-bye some day and moving back to America, to be with who I'm going to be with feels like the right decision for me to make. But now i'm in the position of saying good bye to the people and place I had been preparing to be for another year just a few months ago.