On Being American

I find myself in the odd position of representing America to a foreign country. I also find myself wondering who the formerly most beautiful woman in Charoensin is, and if she hates me.

For some reason, the fact that I would be the only American many of the people I would be living with had ever met never really crossed my mind when I began the long process that would bring me to the Peace Corps. I realized they may have preconceived notions of what an American is, and may have even run across some. I had also assumed they would all know of America from our movies and the news. I never really realized that Americans wouldn't be that distinct to them. In fact, one of the biggest (mis)conceptions they have of Americans here is that we're English...or Russian...or really just farang. {I read somewhere that farang (which is the Thai word for Caucasian) originated when they first met the French- farang supposedly is the closest they could get to saying “French”, or I guess, Français.} Anyway- I've had some fun explaining to my friends and coworkers that America is not England, that the English and Americans (and Russians!) aren't the same. I haven't quite had the same success in explaining that there's not one passa farang (Caucasian language) or that Americans come from all over the world. Don't worry, I haven't given up- just working on the language barrier (albeit slowly).

I've actually been surprised how little most Thais actually know about America. When I've shown a couple people a map they were surprised to see how big America is (and how small Thailand is). People have also been surprised to see how far away America is, and again- that America isn't anywhere near England! I don't want to seem like I'm on some kinda high horse here, I'm sure I would have a hard time locating many countries, and I really didn't know that much about Thailand before I got my invitation- but I guess I just took it for granted that everyone would know some basic facts about America. Which has been a shock to me- not that everyone doesn't know about our history and political system, but that I assumed that everyone knew!

I'm going to admit here, that at one point in time I was on the “We're #1” bandwagon (a long, long time ago). I'm not sure when I really fell off, probably some time around my political awareness awaking (Bush senior era?). I'm not going to pretend that I've left the parade completely, but I'm definitely not up there waving flags and signing my “God Bless Americas”. I may have also at some point maybe thought about throwing eggs at that particular float.....because I still like to believe that despite all the manifest destiny and other horseshit one of the bases of our government is the separation of church and state- and well, also because I refuse to believe in a God that would bless the wanton genocide of other people- which let's all admit it- is what our country was founded on....

The point is, for many years, I've been standing on the sidelines of the “America is #1” parade trying to figure out where I stand on that particular issue. As you may be able to tell from my previous comments, I have a pretty negative view of a lot of our history- and unfortunately, by extension- many people that are marching in that parade, waving those flags and singing that song. Which is why, (along with the whole “not wanting to be an American overseas while Bush was President” thing) I joined AmeriCorps before I joined Peace Corps. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that although I disagree (and maybe downright hate) many, many things about this country, I don't hate the people- and that there may even be somethings to love about this country.

My two years in AmeriCorps took me to Vintondale, PA, Sacramento, CA, Baton Rouge and Thibodaux, LA, Creswell, OR and Gulf Port and Biloxi, MS. Over those two years, I found myself more and more hesitant to discuss my religious and political views (and sexual orientation) because I realized more and more how different they were from most of the people I was meeting. Which I know now was just doing a disservice to myself, the people I was meeting and my beliefs- because I really do think that the negative views most of these people had about my beliefs came from never meeting (and knowing) someone with those beliefs (and probably a fair bit of negative campaigning by their religious/political leaders). Another hard thing is when you find yourself so far to the left of most of the people you meet is that you don't really have the language to explain your view points, and some times it is just better to try to model your beliefs through action. Which is what I often try to do, to the extent that I can. My thought being that if they see my actions, and know that I am a good person, that later when I tell them I don't believe in an anthropomorphic male God, the Republican party (or the Democratic party) and am a lesbian they won't just see the differences, but will remember the times we shared together and the bonds we have already created. The problem is, I never really stay in one place long enough for my scheme to really see fruition. And so, I find myself wondering often, what did I really accomplish in those places? What bonds of friendship and understanding did I really create when I haven't kept in touch with many of the people I've met? And where, in all this rambling, can I find what I set out to explore? Where did those two years of service leave me in regards to the We Love America parade? And more importantly perhaps, where did they leave me in regards to the participants in that parade?

Its hard to say.

It took me nearly four more years of rambling across America to get into the Peace Corps. (Several more months in Louisiana, a couple years in Oregon, a year in Illinois and several more months of random traveling.) After those travels, I found myself not only not knowing where I was in that crowd, watching that parade, but hardly even knowing who I was in that crowd....did I want to be part of the planning committee, helping guide the parade down a new route? Did I want to be a rabble rouser, disrupting the parade to display my frustrations? Did I want to wash my hands of the whole thing and find a new parade? (I hardly think that last option is really an option as the ruckus from the America parade tends to infiltrate all the other parades, even the farthest flung ones) So now, being a Peace Corps volunteer (and by extension, a representation of America), I am once again part of that parade, but perhaps resembling a balloon more then anything....tied to the parade, but floating above it all, observing it all from afar....

Being full of hot air, as balloons tend to be, I was floating along, being steered by a parade I wasn't sure I liked, but assumed everyone else understood. Which leads me (finally) back to that startling revelation I had about assumptions. Why would other countries study our history in detail? Why would people in Thailand know the story of people who left their homelands to seek a new life? I mean, they hardly even understand why I want to live by myself! Why would a country with a king teach their citizens the history of a country that cast aside the monarchy? Why would they know we claim to be the “land of the free and home of the brave”? And why did I have a sudden, odd, patriotic swell fill me when I realized they didn't know our history? What did I suddenly want to teach them about America?

I mean, I've already taught them so much....all Americans drink black coffee (because I do), all Americans are beautiful (because they think I am), all Americans are tall (because I am), American women don't shave their legs ('cause I don't)....that in America we don't have ghosts, that we (generally) don't pick our noses in public, but we pick our teeth in public....that in America we often live alone.

What they don't know is that in America, Nico doesn't really fit in. In America, Nico generally feels like she is speaking a different language then those around her and is visiting a foreign culture. But Nico knows she is American- so what the f*ck does that mean?

Nico is also Polish, and German, and Irish and Welsh, but Nico's family hasn't lived in those places for generations (Poland being the most recently left and with the highest concentration in her blood). But Nico has only visited two of those places, and only for a very short time....Nico is also an animist (non-practicing) and a lesbian....does that mishmash constitute her Americanism?

Surely, her American education is part of her Americanism, yet somehow six years at state schools hasn't convinced her to start shopping for that single family detached yet....but through that education she has learned that the single family detached (after several years of ballooning footprints) has begun to decline in popularity....Nico has also learned that she's not the only one looking for ways to redefine the American family. And Nico has realized that without changing American consumption patterns, there's no hope because everyone wants to be American......right?

Nico doesn't know any more. She does know that here in Charoensin, her nickname may as well be naa dek (baby face) or kon suai (beautiful person) cause no-one believes she is thirty and everyone thinks she is beautiful, and tell her everyday. Which is why she wonders what the formerly most beautiful woman in Charoensin thinks of her, because she's been told on many occasions she is most beautiful woman in Charoensin. But Nico is also the only female farang in town, and thinks that has more to do with the town's adulation of her then any objective measurement of her beauty.